Like some sort of sappy soap opera, I’ve been busy binge-watching the B.C. general election. Daytime television can’t keep up with the unscripted shitshow this whole thing has become.

The candidates, the conflicts and the utter lack of etiquette are all reasons I’m captivated. But like any good show it still needs a great ending.

What would it mean for the Liberals to be re-elected? Could the NDP actually pull off an upset? Where does the Green Party go from here?

Until the final count a couple weeks from now, these kinds of questions can only be answered by my overactive imagination. But as someone who has spent too much of their time glued to the television set, fingers clacking away at a cruddy keyboard, maybe my opinion matters. It might even make sense.

Bear with me, but I’ve taken it upon myself to pen three possible endings, each outlining an outcome of this year’s election. Prime time TV take note. This is how you sew up a series.

Finale #1: A Liberal Re-Election

If it wasn’t for Christy Clark’s tactical touch foul on NDP leader John Horgan, the BC Liberals might not have been so lucky.

The incident, which has recently been referred to as “Elbowgate 2: The Return of the Lovetap,” has men’s rights activists wondering whether anyone is really listening.

 

Misogynists aside, the innocuous interaction resonated with a lot of B.C. voters. In an opinion poll conducted by the CBC, 75% of those interviewed determined that they quote, unquote, couldn’t come to terms with such a chickenshit. As a result, they were effectively forced to vote Liberal.

In fact, the never-ending line of cargo ships has made the horizon all the more interesting to look at.

Horgan, who has retreated to an undisclosed location on Vancouver Island, is rumoured to be entirely untouchable. We’re unsure at this time what kind of comeback he might have in store, but would not be surprised by a return reminiscent of the Rocky film franchise.

Since their landmark re-election, Christy Clark and her Liberal cabinet have cooled off. While most of the Lower-Mainland continue to criticize her policies, personality and apparel, this won’t stop them from voting Liberal yet again in 2021.

Let’s take a closer look at how of some of Clark’s policies have played out:

Pipelines

There is now no doubt that the Liberals were in bed with the likes of Kinder Morgan and other pipeline connected-companies.

Clark, who refutes any and all allegations, reminds us that she can’t wait to increase the number of oil tankers in the Burrard Inlet from around four hundred per year to well over one thousand.

As much as they might like to pretend that they care, Vancouver residents are fairly unperturbed. In fact, the never-ending line of cargo ships has made the horizon all the more interesting to look at.

Big break for the BC Liberals.

Clark has yet to comment on the article, but wishes all under and unemployed peoples the best of luck in the long run

Minimum Wage

Having increased the minimum wage to $11.35 per hour this past September, Christy Clark can’t seem to figure out why people still want more money.

Vancouver, as she puts it, is a completely affordable place to live, and if you can’t cop it, there’s always Kitimat.

Kitimat or not, local residents can’t keep up with the increase in average housing price. In an article entitled Vancouver housing ranked 3rd most unaffordable by international study, Vancouver is described as “Severely unaffordable.”

Clark has yet to comment on the article, but wishes all under and unemployed peoples the best of luck in the long run since, according to Keynes, we’ll all be dead anyway.

Transportation

Who would have thought that building bridges would burn down so many?

After replacing the George Massey Tunnel with a $3.5 billion bridge, Christy Clark cut the ribbon amid speculation of an upcoming project.

The proposed mega-bridge, which will connect Nanaimo to Surrey, is said to help families who are frustrated with ferry lineups.

Perfect plan if you ask me.

Finale #2: An NDP Upset

In an absolute upset, the NDP pulled off what many people thought was impossible.

Nearly twenty years after Glen Clark and the FastCat Fiasco, residents of the Lower Mainland are willing to give this New Democrat thing another go.

Things started off strong for the newly elected leadership. In his rough and tough acceptance speech, Horgan claimed that he would grab B.C. by the balls and never let go. Experts are unsure what to make of this new promise, but are interested to see how it might benefit B.C. Constituents are slightly intimidated but are also largely aroused.

The Liberals might have been shady but at least they weren’t this stupid.

Unfortunately, as John Horgan’s anger management issues have come to the forefront, faith in his new plan has begun to wane. “I get angry, and I hope British Columbians do as well.” Whether or not Horgan hopes that people across the province take up arms remains unclear, but the party insists on using the slogan.

Here’s how the NDP’s platform has panned out after taking office in late May, 2017.

Corporate Donations

After abolishing corporate and union donations, the NDP have uncovered the importance of money.

Relying on individual contributions from their lower-income constituents, John Horgan and his party have effectively fucked themselves for the 2021 election.

The Liberals might have been shady but at least they weren’t this stupid.

Here’s hoping that child labour laws are redrafted ASAP.

$10 a day Child Care

The NDP has made sure that families come first.

Implementing a $10 a day child care program, the plan was meant to empower parents with the choice to continue their careers and boost our economy.

Now, with so many educated and ambitious parents in the province, adoption rates have never been higher.

Here’s hoping that child labour laws are redrafted ASAP.

Softwood Lumber

After Christy Clark’s accusations that the NDP didn’t care about forestry workers, John Horgan has made it his life’s mission to prove her wrong.

Creating B.C. jobs with B.C. logs, the NDP staff have injected the industry with a new sense of purpose.

But, as a matter of fact, Horgan himself has recently revealed that the only reason he ever gave two shits was because he really wanted Clark to eat crow.

Finale #3: Green Party Gets Away With It

To say Andrew Weaver was surprised by his party’s unprecedented victory would be an understatement.

Not having prepared an acceptance speech, Weaver rambled for three full minutes before trailing off the stage. Those in attendance didn’t know what to make of the man, nor his speech, nor the party’s nomination at all.

But shortly thereafter, a large clapping sound could be heard as the province gave itself a collective pat on the back. The future seemed a bit brighter, but no one really knew why.

Whether the Green Party is capable of running the province, we’ll know soon enough, but Andrew Weaver’s academic background has proven him to be a worthwhile leader nonetheless.

As helmetless hipsters rejoice, taking to the streets in swarms, the number of brain injuries in B.C. has spiked. 

Speaking mostly in short statements, Weaver assures us that by letting nature run its course, we’ll all end up better off in the end.

Although infrastructure has taken a huge hit, this way of thinking has improved everyone's’ sense of spirit.

Instead of thinking about bridges, budgets and other important obligations, most people have elected not to worry.

Let’s see how the Green Party’s promises have turned up:

Climate Change

Even if Vancouver was hoping for a warmer summer this year, that will just have to wait. Weaver’s commitment to improved climate control has meant fewer cars on the road and more bike paths.

As helmetless hipsters rejoice, taking to the streets in swarms, the number of brain injuries in B.C. has spiked. Not originally a part of his campaign, Weaver has spun this into a viable population control plan.

Natural Resources

Since the Green Party came into power, over 1,000,000,000 trees have been planted province wide. With only so much space to plant seedlings, tree planters have moved into city centres and other urban areas.

This initiative is under some scrutiny, but Weaver insists that we take our planet back!

Health

Despite promising to promote lifelong measures to stay as healthy as possible, it appears that our recent reliance on naturopathy is less than effective.

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However they decide to end it, I’ll be watching. You don’t binge watch an entire election and not make sure whether your fanfiction comes close.